dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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