The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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