Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
