I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
