I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
My breasts were aching with rage.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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