Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
