Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
