I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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