I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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