i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
