omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
