Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
