hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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