walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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