Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
