nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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