When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
