Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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