When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
