when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
