I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
accomplished twins. life is a go
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
