kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
