Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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