Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
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