Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
nutella sex= disaster
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
All the doctor said was why
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
