I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
