If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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