it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
