that's an acceptable place to lick
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
