He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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