Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
