she woke up with a sticky ear
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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