With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
