the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
