She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
