Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
