Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
