Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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