i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
