If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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