your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
