I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
