there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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