I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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