filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
