My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
