I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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