He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
