when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
