ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
